Reflecting on writing (2)

paragraph CLI                                     SUK1/ Group5/ Kercher/ November 22nd, 2013

The one thing that really surprised me about my CLI, Ivy League, was the origin of the name. While researching I found out that there are, mainly, tow possible derivations for this word. Firstly, Ivy as a plant is supposed to protect walls and give them a longer lifetime. Because it secretes nanoparticles to help it grip walls, it can grow similarly to the structure of a net. Ivy acts like a blanket, warming up and protecting  the walls against extreme temperatures, to prevent them from cracking. Britain have used this advantage of the plant for decades by planting Ivy on the walls of their houses. Hence Ivy is planted on the walls of the English universities in the U.S. Secondly, Ivy was also an important sports term.  The Roman numeral four (IV) has used to refer to the emerged American football league of the four prestigious universities Harvard, Yale, Columbia, and Princeton. On November 23, 1876 sports representatives of these four universities met to decide upon uniform rules for their games. The term IV (pronounced the same as the plant) spread rapidly afterwards. Today, educational institutes promote themselves by using the term Ivy to compare themselves to the Ivy League. Little ivies ( liberal arts colleges), public ivies (public colleges) and southern ivies are just a few examples. To conclude, researching the two origin of the name of my CLI, Ivy League, helped me to get a better understanding of this term and its history.

[250 words]

Improved Version 1:

The one thing that really surprised me about my CLI, Ivy League, was the origin of its name. While researching I found out that there are two possible derivations for this word. Firstly, ivy as a plant is used to protect walls and help them last longer. Because it secretes nanoparticles to help it grip walls, it grows similarly to the structure of a net. Ivy acts like a blanket, warming up and protecting  the walls against extreme temperatures, which prevents them from cracking. Because of this purpose, ivy was planted next to the walls of universities. Secondly, ivy was also an important sports term.  A sports magazine used the Roman numeral four (IV) first to refer to the emerging football league of the four most prestigious universities: Harvard, Yale, Columbia, and Princeton. Today, educational and sports  institutions promote themselves by using the term “ivy” to compare themselves to the Ivy League. Researching the two possible origins of the name of my CLI, Ivy League, helped me to gain a better understanding of this term and its history.

[180 words]

Improved Version 2:

The one thing that really surprised me about my CLI, Ivy League, was the origin of its name. While researching I found out that there are two possible derivations for this name. Ivy as a plant is used to protect walls and help them last longer. As a result of secreting nanoparticles to help it grip walls, it is considered a versatile and invasive species. Ivy acts like a blanket, warming up and protecting  the walls against extreme temperatures, which prevents them from cracking. Due to these numerous benefits, growing Ivy is a great choice for a hassle-free and healthy landscaping particularly for the walls of the four most prestigious universities: Harvard, Yale, Columbia, and Princeton. Ivy was also an important sports term. The Roman numeral four (IV) was first used to refer to the emerging football league of the these four universities. Until today, a number of these leagues are still holding this name. In short, researching the two possible origins of the name of my CLI, Ivy League, helped me to gain a better understanding of this name and its history.

[182 words]

 

 The original version of my paragraph about my CLI was way too long. When studying, I discovered so many things that surprised me about my CLI that I was eager to put them all in my paragraph. Additionally, I added unnecessary extra information to these facts. Secondly, I  made the mistake of writing a sentence, which I found quite good, and then adjusting the preceding and following sentences to it. As a result, there is no cohesion in the paragraph. The second version is shorter and more cohesive. I took out the unnecessary information but still made the mistake of leaving in a sentence starting with " Today, educational sports..." - which is still irrelevant information. Furthermore, I could not figure out how to rewrite the phrase " it grows similar to the structure of a net". This phrase was not a mistake but somehow sounded strangely. I think the last version of the paragraph is the most cohesive and understandable, although I did not receive any feedback on it.